I didn't make it. I didn't get my belt. I was very disheartened last night, even though I knew beforehand that I probably wouldn't pass. It's not a big tragedy, I have to remedy my roundhouse, back kick and one of my one-step patterns, and I'll get my belt within the next couple of classes. But last night I fell asleep wondering, "why I am putting myself through so much physical and emotional strain?"
It's not about belts or ranks. Its the feeling of failure. My wish to surpass myself at something and my need for approval, at the innermost level are rooted in my deep feelings of inferiority. When I fail in these, it's a blow to my unconscious which is enraged at yet again being shown proof of my (perceived) inferiority. This is just a fact about me, maybe ugly, but just the truth. The reason I want to write about this is that being aware of it will stop my mind from creating physical distractions in order to prevent the painful emotions from being experienced.
This is not my insight, but John Sarno's. I will write more on what Sarno thinks on the subjects of inferiority fuelling ambition soon. It is just amazing to me what the mind is capable of and how much of it we are unaware of during our waking hours.
5 comments:
"why I am putting myself through so much physical and emotional strain?"
Wow. I can't remember how many times I aksed myself that same question. Ugh!
Don't be discourged by one failed attempt, it takes a lot of guts to get up there and test for your yellow belt. Sounds like you came close!
As for why you are doing this to yourself--I'd say you like the challenge, but don't fully understand why yet.
Thanks, both.
So what answer did you come up with, Miss Chris?
I am feeling a lot of apathy...you know, like ok, I tried being passionate about it, but it didn't seem to help, so why should I put so much into it, I'll just treat it as a hobby. Very negative for just one failure, I realize.
You have to realize that this is just one test in a LONG road, so don't treat it as a hobby yet.
White belt is actually the best rank--everything is new. There are few bad habits to break, and they are easily broken at this point. Look at this as an oppurtunity to be 'pure' a little while longer. How long have you been training?
I know, its just the way I am feeling at the moment. I want to be one of the good students in my class. I started out feeling like I was, and then somehow, I would keep getting injured, and not able to practice and put in full effort. All this really depressed me.
I guess I am proud of myself for having gone to classes, and my test in spite of injuries...but still sad.
I've trained just for 5 weeks so far.
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